THIS is how it started?

So this is how it started...

I walked into chem lab that morning dreading and hoping that somehow this experience would not be as terrible I thought it would be. I walk in and the FIRST thing I see is Daniel.. a guy from church that I KNOW would tell nearly my entirechurch congregation of my presence in that class. I was ashamed to be what I thought was probably the only senior in what is a freshman class and was hoping to preserve some dignity. Anyway, so I see Daniel and duck straight to the row of backpacks hooks to hide. At this point I still needed a lab partner and I see a lab station with one lone guy and so I went up to him and I impulsively ask "Do you mind if I join you at this lab station"? He tells me "go for it" and I sure did. I was so thankful I was able to get a lab partner with such little fanfare...

He was a cool dude and the semester went alright even though sometime I think I slowed us down with the actual labs but I thought we had a great conversation, commonalities and laughs from the beginning and now the thought of NEVER seeing him again is killing me!!! Should I put my heart on the line and tell him how I feel or just think "what if" for the rest of my life????

Tomorrow is the last day I may ever see him. What should I do internet?

What should do?

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And so this is 2012

SO another year has gone by and not to risk sounding more like a Celine Dion Song...this year has been quite an adventure. I had my first serious infatuation, love, crush whatever...but I can say it was good for me. I failed a class, went on my first airplane trip and came to the conclusion that yes...the road into the medical world will be very hilly, bumpy with many forks but I know that God would not have put this desire in my heart if he had not fully prepared a way for me to be able to do it. every end of the year I have so many regrets but this year i can honestly say tha tI am proud of myself. I pulled myself from the lowest possible level of y life and no I have successfully started the uphill climb. Multumesc Doamne petru indurarea ta din ani de ani si ca tu esti cu noi si noi ne intorcem spatele del lat itne. Te rog sau ma acuti sa fi mai smerita. I pray that this yeah I humbly myself and actively work towards a deeper more meaningful and productive relationship with Christ. Thank you God for every miracle, all the blessings in my life. I still cannot understand the even through my unfaithfulness and doubts you remain my me side. Thank you.  The more I know about the love you have for everyone I am in awe. I want to be more like you.

Christmas past

Christmas has come and past.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

You never know how much hating someone can take out of you . I know that it is bad to hate but I cannot help it. This person irritates me, upsets me, sets my blood boiling whenever she is in the near vicinity. I is rude, inconsiderate, arrogant and generally an unlikeable person who goes out of her way for no one and loves herself above all. I have no Christmas spirit right now or the will to get up and put stupid decorations on the house. I just want to sleep, wake up and I don't know what i even want.

Conclusions

My head, rather my heart were all a flutter today. I can;t get Him off my mind and really I don;t know if I want to. The initial infatuation has matured into something a little less eager and something more wistful. I am in love with the though of love...rally I just don;t think I'm good enough. This semester has really helped me realize that I am capable of doing things and that's just it, I need to commit, submit and put my mind to it. I have read through some of my blogs and nearly half of my blogs are dedicated to my inadequacies and the need to do better. This semester I did ALOT better than I have done at any point in my college career and here are the reasons. I actually sat down and DID things. It was hard. It was like pulling teeth but it got done. And I actually have started to expand and work towards a future. I still have my doubts but I know am beginning to visualize a future where I am a physician. In part I have to admit that it is due to him. Seeing somebody who I respect having achieved the goals I am aiming for it really empowering. I may not be good enough for him bit I am increasing in self confidence. All in all, I have decided that that the best way to live life is not to let it pass by hop on that train and ride it fast. In the end, I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love him. Anything else is simply settling.


I met you like a little child
Wide-eyed and mystified
That You could love even me
So I'm here to testify
That it's been an amazing ride with You
And I have never walked alone
Wanna give You every moment, every minute
It's takes a lifetime to know You, to know You

Obssesion

Facebook may have ruined my life. During this past summer, I could not for the life of me stop thinking about someone who we will from now on call Mickey. It all started once fateful day in April where in need of a ride at a mission's conference, my sister and I where found transportation with some guy we had met in summer camp some years back. While on the car, Mickey ()engaged us both in conversation and I thought little of it after that. We talked or rather he asked and waited for a response from me and Lidia. I kept on thinking, well he keeps on staring at Lidia so maybe he like her. Cool. Only Lidia was not giving him the time of day and he kept on asking me questions about marriage and who come first; the spouse or the children. At the time I spouted off some random noncommittal answer but in all honesty, I had never though about it before then. And then it happened. Lidia kept saying, ohh I think he likes you and of course in my ever insecure opinion of myself I assured her that that was in no way the case. But, I began thinking about him, and then he invited be to his graduation party which I of course could not attend as it was 1000 mile away but thoughts of him never left my mind for long. The summer came and I was happily interning among geriatric patients at an assisted living facility but all the while my thoughts where of him...how pathetic am I?