Christmas past

Christmas has come and past.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

You never know how much hating someone can take out of you . I know that it is bad to hate but I cannot help it. This person irritates me, upsets me, sets my blood boiling whenever she is in the near vicinity. I is rude, inconsiderate, arrogant and generally an unlikeable person who goes out of her way for no one and loves herself above all. I have no Christmas spirit right now or the will to get up and put stupid decorations on the house. I just want to sleep, wake up and I don't know what i even want.

Conclusions

My head, rather my heart were all a flutter today. I can;t get Him off my mind and really I don;t know if I want to. The initial infatuation has matured into something a little less eager and something more wistful. I am in love with the though of love...rally I just don;t think I'm good enough. This semester has really helped me realize that I am capable of doing things and that's just it, I need to commit, submit and put my mind to it. I have read through some of my blogs and nearly half of my blogs are dedicated to my inadequacies and the need to do better. This semester I did ALOT better than I have done at any point in my college career and here are the reasons. I actually sat down and DID things. It was hard. It was like pulling teeth but it got done. And I actually have started to expand and work towards a future. I still have my doubts but I know am beginning to visualize a future where I am a physician. In part I have to admit that it is due to him. Seeing somebody who I respect having achieved the goals I am aiming for it really empowering. I may not be good enough for him bit I am increasing in self confidence. All in all, I have decided that that the best way to live life is not to let it pass by hop on that train and ride it fast. In the end, I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love him. Anything else is simply settling.


I met you like a little child
Wide-eyed and mystified
That You could love even me
So I'm here to testify
That it's been an amazing ride with You
And I have never walked alone
Wanna give You every moment, every minute
It's takes a lifetime to know You, to know You

Obssesion

Facebook may have ruined my life. During this past summer, I could not for the life of me stop thinking about someone who we will from now on call Mickey. It all started once fateful day in April where in need of a ride at a mission's conference, my sister and I where found transportation with some guy we had met in summer camp some years back. While on the car, Mickey ()engaged us both in conversation and I thought little of it after that. We talked or rather he asked and waited for a response from me and Lidia. I kept on thinking, well he keeps on staring at Lidia so maybe he like her. Cool. Only Lidia was not giving him the time of day and he kept on asking me questions about marriage and who come first; the spouse or the children. At the time I spouted off some random noncommittal answer but in all honesty, I had never though about it before then. And then it happened. Lidia kept saying, ohh I think he likes you and of course in my ever insecure opinion of myself I assured her that that was in no way the case. But, I began thinking about him, and then he invited be to his graduation party which I of course could not attend as it was 1000 mile away but thoughts of him never left my mind for long. The summer came and I was happily interning among geriatric patients at an assisted living facility but all the while my thoughts where of him...how pathetic am I?

So here I am again. Different year, different state and possibly a changed person but still regressing into the past to lament the passing of time. Here I am in California visiting/working and all I am thinking about is how I am now one year older and my teens are gone. BUT. the future is optomistic. I am slowley starting to look at myself and future with excitment at the potential that I have. Yes I am sure that moving on and growing up can be hard but I am looking forward to being able to prove myself once again....life is a beautiful thing and I am thankful for it even if i forget.
I am thankful for a wonderful family who loves me and sticks my me even when I am completley nuts
I am thankful for the honor of being a child of God and having the privilege to serve and tell others of his love.
I am thankful for the opportunity to work here in California as a caretaker for the elderly. I have learned that the essence of a human being may fade when old age hits home but the humanity and history of every person demands the same respects as any young person who is just know beginning to taste life's vitality and its current endless possibilities. I have the honor of taking care of someone when they during their most critical and vulnerable years by providing them with direct and specific help.
I am thankful for my friends. The people who do not mind that I'll call them in the middle of the night just to vent, the wonderful people who love me, support me and know that I will be me with all my quirks and accept be anyways.
I am thankful for the future. The past may be bleak but the future holds such grand possibilities.
Did I mention I was thankful for my family? I just spent the last couple of minutes reading birthday card from my folks and I can't help but cry.... Distance really does make the heart grow fonder and with the physical distance between us greater than it has ever before I feel closer to them in spirit.
I am thankful for another year of grace that God has given to me so that I might glorify his name and through me show the world that there is only one true God who has given his life for us and gives us the hope of eternal life with him.

I am just happy that this is the day the lord has made and I choose to be happy in it and live my life to the fullest honoring and worshiping God which every breath that he gifts me with.

So I almost officially 20 years old in all of the Continental USA . Happy birthday to me and I pray that God helps me to glorify him and live this year and every year after for his glory.

But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" - Philippians 3:14

Cutting it close....

Ohh man...
So its been a while since I've blogged. I would say I have been busy and while that is part of the truth its not even near to the truth. I'm so sick of this drama in my life that I create. The end of the semester is upon me so I am going to shift in fast forward mode with studying intently, reviewing and relearning so much from this semester. Why do I dramatize relationships...? I mean I love the idea of love but I don't really think that I would ever have the courage to move forward. The thing is, before I ever even start looking outward for approval I need to look above and set my self right with God. I mean, I am not here on earth for myself. I exist for the glory of God and the mere fact that I am able to possibly bring glory to such a Magnificent savior is an honor. I find myself wrapped up sometimes in life's mundaness but the truth is that life is beautiful and everyday holds some wonderful importunity that I need to embrace. I am no like Melville's Scrivener who has lost the meaning of life, lost the pull to prepare and work for the future. God has a wonderful story written about for me and I just need to read it and tell it to others! I too long have focused on others opinions of me but in the end, it is not about them. No. it is about the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I was born to bring glory to God. When you think about it in that way than life seems to make more sense and the little things become insignificant as so the looming obstacles that seems to halt life. HE has conquered the world so writing a paper or passing a test is nothing compared to him. This life WILL pass and it is what we make of it. God gives opportunists and I need to walk through them. I tend to forget sometimes that other people are just that;people. I pray that this summer no right now starts the rest of my life. I am looking forward to California and seeing how God uses me there among the elderly. I pray that God opens doors and just really shows his plan in my life but above all else give me his compassion to show to those who need it and help the hurt all around me there and everywhere.

I lost myself today
I lost myself to the past I kept at bay
but there are always those things that won't undo
life would not be worth while if that where true..

I lost myself today
to the noise and nonsense in what people say
people are people who will always be rough and critical
this world was  meant to be hypocritical

I think I might find myself one day
the world seems so much brighter since the son has come to stay.
Life has beauty every where
the bigger picture is always there.

I found myself today
I found self and I won't turn away.
for God there are no limits
the past, my now, and future, to him I commit. 

The END

Why do all Good things have to come to an end? For a while, life seems to come into place and then all of a sudden the perfection starts to fray and what once was is now no longer. It hurts so much to have to move on but that is the only way to overcome and prepare for a better future. Things don't stay the same and sometimes its for the better. The present has an oppressive fog and now I have to say good bye. Life is complicated though, what is best does not always feel good but maybe, just maybe, the future will in turn explain this current misery where the different unknown is frankly terrifying. It's hard right now but God willing, I will get out of this slump. Everything never stays the same and really, It is time for a change! I hate this feeling of hopelessness and at the mercy of another and as one perpetuate of modern culture once said in a song "I'd rather die on my feet than live down on my knees". I never again one to know that a person is trying to do me a favor and pursuing this just out of obligation... there come a point where they started take me for granted and I refuse to be anybody's second choice. This rehabilitation of will power will come...with time... I hope, but for now I want it to be the way it was, or at least the way I thought it was.


If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same

-Josh Groban, Awake